sweetnlow4's Journal

sweetnlow4's Journal

sweetnlow4

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(♥)

Waking up in vegas [26 May 2009|11:06pm]

kjahlid

Just got home from babysitting. I have been taking a ton of sitting jobs through contacts made at work, and It is actually a great way to make a BUNCH of quick cash.

All these jobs will pay off June 6th. I am going to Vegas with the girls for Kay's birthday. I am getting excited, accept for the fact that summer hours suck at my job so money will be tight!

But this week I am:

Selling a bunch of old clothes I never wear
Selling my guitar that has sooo many memories that I am tired of looking at
Selling allll my old text books that I held onto for no apparent reason
Selling myself! Ha jkjk just going to babysit a lot. And pick up extra hours when I can

Then Vegas which will be nice plus Chris and his buddies will be there the same weekend wch is an added bonus : )

I feel pretty out there right now I am just constantly going but it's alright!!
I'm alright

(1 | ♥)

[20 May 2009|11:51pm]

It breaks my heart a little that I don't have something interesting or stimulating to write in this sad neglected journal.

I feel like I am going through the motions, waiting for something to happen....this also breaks my heart a little.

When I was small I imagined myself a much more interesting and productive person.
It goes with out saying that I am a very fortunate girl and my family and friends are the biggest blessing and uninteresting/not so stimulating girl could ever hope to receive.

I am wrestling with the decisions I have made over the past few years, and the decisions that have been made for me that I will be facing blindly this summer. For the first time in my life, I am not sure what I want, or what I am capable of. I don't do well with the unknown, and this sad fact is becoming painfully more obvious to me everyday.

My brother is released from prison June 28, 2009. He will be residing on my couch in my postage stamp of home. I don't know what to do with this. I wasn't asked to take him in, I wasn't even told. It was one of those unspoken things only my family could dream up. I never could have predicted that my last summer of college and the end of my twenty first year of life would be spent living with a convicted felon on the coattail of his eight year sentence in an unmentionable state penitentiary.

When my oh so predictable sibling was sent to the big house, any semblance of a relationship I had with my father deteriorated into something nonexistent. It has taken the past eight years of my life to be able to have a short conversation with my father before he sees my brothers face and pulls away after only a few moments. If and when my brother's evil side rears its ugly head my father will never look at me again. My brother has worked his way through each family member willing to take him in, and it is my turn. I understand this, and I will take it on because that is what is expected of me.

My father is one of the most intelligent men anyone might ever have the pleasure of meeting. He is witty, worldly, and spends his days fighting battles for our country by way of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. He is right winged, opinionated, and the most accommodating provider a wife and daughter could ever have.
He is also one of the only people I have ever met who is fortunate enough to live in a world consisting of only black and white. His only short coming is that he clouds his emotions with an overwhelming sense of denial. This is why when my brother goes back to his old ways despite what anyone could do for him, our relationship will come to an end. It will be my fault in his eyes because my father needs a reason other than the innate trait my brother possesses that causes his bad seed gene to sprout and grow roots. I love my father and I always ALWAYS will. My short coming is that I thrive on the gray areas in his black and white world. The gray area is what is innately in me.

For that I am eternally sorry Daddy.

I wish I could take the heartbreak for you.

(♥)

and the irony lies in the fact that thrice writes what I feel [11 Apr 2009|04:18am]

Here's your new drug
Shoot it in the left eye
Feel it on the right side
No it's not love
Though it sets up shop behind your ribcage
Building blood clots and black holes
Like using an axe to pull
A sliver from your skin

And they say this is medicine
An overdose of oxygen
A severed head as sedative
To be at peace would be a sin
And surely un-american
I'm breaking

Here's your new blood
Transfusion took us all night
Tell us that you're all right
No it's not love
Though feels like fire inside of your veins
Burning right beneath the wrist
Begging for a razor's kiss
To free it from your skin

And they say this is medicine
An overdose of oxygen
A severed head as sedative
To be at peace would be a sin
And surely unamerican
I'm breaking down

Lift the veil, it's not medicine
And my heart fails, time and time again

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